The Caverns of Somewhere (By gonzo)

I have not done much adventuring since my Journey to the Dryland. But I wanted to find the long lost mythical 4th pole. I had heard that it might be located in the long lost caverns of Somewhere, which is on the border of Terra incognita. So once again, I set off on an adventure.     I didn't have to worry about light in the caverns, because I had a porch strapped to my back; the light coming from it was enough to see by. To prevent myself from getting lost, I decided to only take left turns, so that if I wanted to get out in a hurry, I only needed to take all the left turns back out again.     As I entered the cavern I noticed something on the floor so I schooped down to have a look at it. (schooping is a manevoer the only someone with a porch on their back can or would want to accomplish.) As I lent over to pick it up (If you have a house strapped to your back you have to mortgage over to pick things up) I saw that it was a gold doubloon with a picture of a piggy in the middle, and the words Milton Brand Toy Money written around the edge. I knew that it must be a clue, so I putted in to my pocket for later use. I continued down on my way the tunnel, it was very narrow, so it was a bit stalactite with the porch on by back, but thought I stalagmite be able to fit through.     Eventually I came to an opening. There was a narrow mouldy bridge across a chasm. I didn't think I could stand the suspense of going across the bridge, but luckily there was some popcorn growing on the side of the cave wall. I picked some of the popcorn, and munched it as I went across the bridge to help with the suspense. It wobbled a lot as I went across; it obviously wasn't made for people with porches on their back. It held together just long enough for me to get to the other side, it then crumbled to must, and disappear down the chasm. I wasn't unduly worried by this, I was sure that there must be an emergency foldout bridge on this side of chasm, for exactly this kind of occurrence. So I decided to sit down for a minute and consider the situation.     I had made sure I was well prepared before coming into the caves, I had listened to a radio programme on cave exploration, and they had said the most important things were a really good porch and a compass. But I had spent so much money buying the porch, that I couldn't afford a compass, so I had cut a picture of one out of a book. As compasses are flat anyway, it didn't matter that I was using a photo of one. I had been travelling south so far, and I resolved to continue going south until I reached the 4th pole. The next opening I came to had a herd of Helictites in it, They were very aggressive as it was the dating season, and a gang of them stated to chase me as I ran down the next tunnel. As I only have two leg and Helictites have seven, they soon stared to catch up with me. Fortunately, someone had had the good sense to put a fending machine down the tunnel. I put the gold doubloon into the fending machine, and it started up, fending off the Helictites while I made good my escape.     By this point I was getting very tired, and I was worried that I wasn't going to get out of the caverns alive. It would have been an untimely death, as I didn't have a watch on me. But just as I was about to sit down, and eat my packed lunch as a last resort (it was piccalilli and lime jelly) I noticed that the tunnel was getting wider.     As I turned the corner the tunnel widened out into a huge cave. In the middle of the cave there was a large lake with a submarine floating near the edge. The submarine was changing colours slowly, in a relaxing way; I had discovered the mythical Mellow Submarine! I could hear the herd of Helictites coming down the tunnel behind me; the fending machine must have run out of money. I panicked and jumped aboard the mellow Submarine, which was now a nice relaxing shade of pale blue, which calmed me down a lot.     The Helictites were staring to swim across toward me, so I opened the hatch and jumped inside. I didn't know how to swim a submarine, but luckily there was a auto-captain button, I pressed it and the auto-captain popped out of a hatch, and started running around, flicking all the switches needed to make the submarine submerge. It wasn't long before the submarine stated to dive, leaving the Helictites far behind.     The Mellow Submarine spent 3 sea shanties getting out of the underground cave system, and 9 shanties to get back to our home port. Which was lucky because I only had 1 shanty left as we pulled into port and the sub would have sank if I had run out of songs.     I hadn't found the 4th pole, but the Mellow Submarine was an even greater prize. And I hope to use it in a future adventure, to finally find the 4th Pole.

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